From the Desk Of Claire Standish
by leeloo2606
Summary: A page out of her diary. Just a small glimpse into the thoughts of a misunderstood girl.
1. March 24

March 24, 1984

Saturday 11:54 p.m.

I, Claire Standish, am a bitch. Someone reading this might ask: "How can she say that about herself?" Believe me, it's east. It's easy to consider yourself a mean girl when people have been saying it to your face since you were fourteen. Since the day I sat with Jenny in the school cafeteria, where we laughed so hard when Joanne Blarke slipped on a milk carton she hid in the restroom until well after school was over. Since the day we gave Greta Crossman the nickname "Grossy Greta" that stuck with her all the way up until high school. Or the day my group and I decided not to talk to a new girl because she lived on the wrong side of the tracks, literally. All these things and more make me a bitch.

But until today I really had not considered these things to be bad. In fact, I didn't consider them at all. I did them without thinking, going along with them just because all of my friends were. It was easier to do them then to think about the consequences they could have on people. I was living in a state of constant numbness and for a while, I guess I must have been satisfied.

Today was the first time in my life when I regretted doing all those things. The first time I wished I could have done things differently. I wish I could take back all of the things I did to gain the title. I wish I were a different person. Maybe then, I would be worthy of his affection.

The thought of being with him makes me fearful. But worse is the fear I feel when I think of my life without him.

Till tomorrow,

Claire

**A/N: Just something that was floating around in my head!**


	2. March 25

**A/N: I love the freedom that a journal entry fan fic gives so I decided to continue this in between all my other stories. Oi, I lead such a hectic life!**

March 25, 1984

Sunday 1:30 p.m.

It's a wonderful feeling, waking up to the sounds of your parents screaming. Funny, some kids get roused out of bed by the smell of pancakes I get woken up by the sound of my father calling my mother a "bitch." I don't know what I would do if I didn't have a stereo in my room. The ability to drown out their voices with rock music keeps me from cutting off my own ears just to get some quiet time.

I just wished they'd hurry up and get divorced already. I hate being caught up in the middle like some unwanted rag doll. A doll that no one really wants and neither wants the other one to keep. Sometimes I wish my father would just leave with that "Jacqueline" woman. At least this way my mother wouldn't have any one to scream at. On second thought, she'd probably end up blaming it all on me. They think I don't know. They think I'm some naïve little princess with no concept of reality. Well I do know reality, and let me just say reality is fucked up.

The library is starting to seem okay compared to what's going on around here. At least I kind of had someone to talk to, another human being to vent out my frustrations to. I mean Jenny and Leslie are all right but I doubt they'll understand as much as the Breakfast Club did. The Breakfast Club, leave it to Brian to come up with such a clever name. He was the smart one of the group though. I wonder what they are all doing right now. I wonder if he is thinking of me as much as I am.

Until later perhaps,

Claire

**A/N: As always let me know what you think.**


	3. March 26

March 26, 1984

Monday 12:01 a.m.

If my life was perfect would I be crying right now? Would I be on the verge of dropping everything and leaving to another state just to get away from it all? I don't think so. People should just stop trying to tell me my life is perfect! It's just like Jenny to take my situation and warp it into some kind of insignificant little spaz. I mean what kind of a friend is she? I tell her I'm worried about my parents and all she says is, "Oh Claire! Unless they are cutting off your allowance you shouldn't fret." Like all I fucking care about is money! Sometimes I feel as if no one really understands me. If it wasn't for the idea of being stuck alone with my own thoughts I would probably ditch them at school today and hang out in the back lot somewhere. You know what? I think that's exactly what I am going to do. Fuck them all!

12:30 a.m.

I thought about it and I have changed my mind. I can't be alone today not like this. What I need is a project to take my mind off this for a while. Hmm, I wonder where Al will be?

11:30 p.m.

So…

Al distracted me for a while. Before school I ran into Andy and he was so cute and excited about seeing her, I thought oh well that's nice. I didn't see him though. And then later during break I went outside to my car to get my math book and I thought I saw someone who looked just like him walking towards the bungalows.

When I saw Al during p.e. I thought maybe I would help her along with Andy so I invited her to the Mall. At first the girls were like who is that, and why do you want to hang out with her? But I just brushed them off and told them she was cool. Who were they to judge anyways? They don't know a thing about her, or me for that matter.

So I went the whole day without seeing him. At the mall Allison and I got along fairly well and Jenny and Leslie were actually civil. In fact, I think they quite enjoyed her sarcastic remarks.

It was all fine and dandy until I got on the phone with Al. So (from before) we were in the middle of a random conversation when I hear a tap on my window. It wasn't the wind. Leave it to Bender to take it into his own hands and stalk me. Well he wasn't stalking and I was kind of flattered. But then things went down from there.

The conversation wasn't long and I hardly remember anything about it. But the just of it was:

John: hey

Me: hey

J: so how's it going?

Me: fine and you?

J: peachy…(about five seconds later) so do you want your earring back?

Me: no keep it, it's yours….(another ten seconds later) so um,

J: Yeah?

Me: I have to go, my mom's got chicken in the oven.

What the hell was that all about? I mean all this time he's been in my mind and that's all I could manage. Oh if only I had a camera so I could have that look on his face with me forever. I really fucked up this time!

Yours (worst person of all time) truly,

Claire

**A/N: For all of those who like criticizing other peoples work, Karma. For those of you who can enjoy a story for waht it is, entertainment, rock on! And like always review if you've got something to say.**


	4. March 28

March 28, 1984

Wednesday 11:15 p.m.

I'm sorry I didn't write. I don't know why I didn't. I guess I feel as though all of my emotions are running together. Things are still fucked up at home. Dad hasn't been home to dinner for two nights in a row. I wonder if Jacqui is a good cook. Mom keeps hugging her wine bottles as if the world is going to run out of grapes. I wish Craig would call. I miss the sound of his voice.

I keep replaying the night with John over and over in my head. I wish I could have been strong. I wish I could have told him all of the things that I was feeling but something kept me from doing it.

Sitting in the cafeteria yesterday I tried to imagine what it would be like If John and I decided to have lunch together. What would people say or do if I walked in hand in hand with the school's bad boy? Images of taunts and laughter flashed in my head I was filled with so much dread and self loathing that I hadn't paid any attention to what Jenny and Leslie were talking about. She looked offended when I asked her to repeat it but she calmed down when she told me to relay Al a message. And like a freaking major coincidence I saw her sitting at Andy's table. I was so happy to have an excuse to leave my little fantasy world, you know, the one where Bender and I get belted with ham sandwiches, that I went up to tell Al that instant. Apparently I did her a favor because she thanked me for my visit.

It's just like Al to think herself unworthy of true friends. She thought I was lying about what Jenny had said. But she does deserve good people in her life. I don't think any of my group qualifies as 'good people'.

Al is so brave to take on Andy's world head on and I admire her so much for it. I guess we always want what we can't have. I am the biggest wimp when it comes to anything outside of my bubble. I don't think I would survive the day without any of my friends. (Why do I keep calling them that?) Maybe I'm giving them way too much credit.

God, get a fucking grip Claire!

Forever yours,

Claire

**A/N: Whatcha thinking?**


	5. March 29

March 29, 1984

Thursday, 10:30 p.m.

There is simply too much noise in my world. There are way too many people talking. My parents talk or don't talk to each other. And then they talk to me. God, do they talk to me. "Well, Claire you know all of this is your father's fault. He was the one that strayed." "Claire, I never meant to hurt you're mother you know that." Ha, it makes me laugh. They are trying so hard to hurt each, other but I am the one in the most pain. I just shrug my responses and turn to my stereo for relief. They both need to shut-up.

Jenny needs to shut-up too. She adds to the disturbing noise of my life at a higher decibel. She's the root of the pressure I had once mentioned. "Claire what's wrong with you?" "Claire you can't wear that!" "Claire you need to buy a new outfit for Grace's party." "Claire, are you paying attention?" "Claire, Claire, Claire…Ahhh!" It wouldn't bother me so much if Jenny listened to me once in a while. I can't continue pretending like I give a damn. Like I care about some stupid house party or the color of the heels I am going to wear. That's it I'm calling her right now and telling her that I am not going!

11:00 p.m.

I'm going to the party. I guess I can't keep myself locked in my room, just because I'm depressed. Plus, I might have mentioned something about it to Allison. If she's there, I have an excuse to get away from my crowd for a while.

Everyone's talking to me and the only person worth listening to is the one I run away from. Wow, I really have problems.

Good night

Claire

**A/N: Sorry they are so slow in coming.**


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